Day 16

I got behind on posts again.  It was Halloween weekend and I was out late a lot of nights. 

So let's start again at Friday, Day 16.

I started by waking up early with my house guest to take a 10:30AM ballet class.  I really like Beth Goheen's class at that time.  It's just easy enough so I can concentrate on placement and really working my body, and just challenging enough to not be boring.  It's a great way to start the day.

After my class, I went to the gym and worked legs and shoulders.  It's a little taxing to have a ballet class, and then go work my legs.  In fact I started to feel a tightness in my right hip.  It's one of the more common places that freezes up on me.  The soaz.  It starts right at the bottom right of my abs and connects to the inner part of hip.  When that freezes up, it's not great.  So while I was working my legs, I had to continually do this awkward looking stretch that looks like I'm trying to bite my own ass with my right arm in the air.  It made me very popular with the mid-day on-lookers at the gym.

After the gym, a steam and a shower, I headed home to let my house guest back into the apartment.  See, my landlord is being as landlords do, and refusing to give a shit that we need an extra key to the front door of my building.  So Daniel and I have been having to co-ordinate schedules to make sure that neither one of us is stranded outside in the increasing cold.  Currently, he only has a few days left in my place, so it's not a major deal, but still.  I guess the next time I need something done, I'm going to have to call everyday.  And maybe learn more Spanish.

Once I was back uptown I realized that poor Nomi Malone Ringler: Miss Kitty Fantastico (my cat) was out of wet food.  And since the food I buy for her is organic and only sold in certain stores, it's not available in the glamorous discount-shopping neighborhood in which I live.  So, it was back downtown to throw some money at an over-priced midtown pet boutique.  And while I was there, I picked up a new toy and some tennis balls for me and my frozen up soaz.

Then it was back uptown to get ready for an event I was invited to.  I dressed up in my favorite suit with a purple and black striped shirt and orange tie for an autumn feel.  Normally I don't get so dressy for "events" but it's not often that they include a celebrity appearance by one miss Brooke Shields.  So of course, I had to put on my Sunday best.

The part was for her getting her portrait painted on the Wall of Fame at Hurley's.  The cast of The Addams Family was there as were a few of my friends, and not to mention an open bar!  When the party was in full swing Brooke went to the front and unveiled her portrait which was lovely.  She was being ushered into restricted locations as to avoid the celebrity hangers-on (me).  But she looked great and was as social as her body guards let her be.

After she left, the party petered out and I continued hanging with my friends.  And I am proud to say, I only had diet cokes.  It was a free bar, and I was 16 days into sobriety, and I had diet cokes!  Go me and self control!

Granted, I had two slices of pizza before hopping the slow moving 1 train home.  But it was another successful night out on the town, rubbing elbows with a celebrity, and not drinking.

Netflix/Hulu+ of the night: South Park
Non-Alcoholic beverage of the night: Diet Coke

Day 15

Half a month done.  And it wasn't that hard.

The thing about my drinking is, I can control it.  I just choose not to most of the time.  I'm thinking that's what it's like with a lot of people.  They can stop drinking if they want to.  Most people don't want to.  After all drinking is fun, and a social, and not too harmful if you take it easy.

I do concede, however, that it can go to a level that you can't "just say no" to.  If one is drinking morning, noon, and night, and therefore never in a truly sober state, then that's a problem.  Once you become physically addicted and you can't go without it without experiencing withdrawal symptoms, that's a problem. 

I've never gotten to those states above, possibly because I keep myself in check with these little sabbaticals, and I probably do that because I'm always worried I WILL get to those states above, and I'm worried about that because I'm always anxious about the future, which is the reason I'm in therapy currently.

I wish I could just go with the flow, and not worry about things so much, but as I'm finding out, my left side of my brain works overtime.  Always thinking and analyzing what could be.  But at the same time, I'm glad that I have a well developed left side.  My paranoia about alcoholism keeps me in check, just the same way my paranoia about diseases makes me have safe sex always and ask people about their status, even when I'm stinking drunk.

I've done half a month.  I can do another.  And I'm definitely slimming out. :)

Today I woke up to moderate rain outside.  When you live 140 blocks away from midtown, it's hard enough to get your "get up and go" in the best of weather, let alone when you have to throw on your Marc Jacob galoshes, and drag a soggy umbrella with your burrough bag everywhere you walk.


So the majority of the day was spent doing household stuff.  No cookie baking today, though I may have eaten a couple.  OK, three. I sewed up some pajamas and found a way to watch some free Showtime online.

When my house guest for the week woke up, he informed me that he thought he had a cold.  So, I headed to the pharmacy to buy some Theraflu for him and Airborne for me.  I ain't getting sick when my agent informs me that the callbacks for Chicago are scheduled for November 11th.  Don't know if I got a callback, but hey, there's still hope.

After lazing about too much, and ordering Chinese food, I realized that if I didn't do something at least a little productive today, I would feel like a complete failure as a human being, not to mention an actor/artist.  So I went to the gym.  And I had a pretty good workout.  Pecs, tris, abs and cardio.  All in all it made me feel better, or at least good about not wasting my day.

On my way home, I grabbed a few final things for my Halloween costume, and a pumpkin to carve.  My now feeling better house guest and I popped in Hocus Pocus and made a good looking Jack-O-Lantern.  It looks like it's gonna be a good Halloween.

Netflix/Hulu+ of the night: (null) DVD - The Exorcism of Emily Rose
Non-alcoholic beverage of the night: Bedtime tea with honey

Day 14

2 weeks in.  Decanters filled with liquor.  My liver still empty of it.

Today was a relaxing day.  A little too relaxing, actually.  I like having some time on my hands, but too much time, reminds me of the less then stellar condition of my career these days.  Especially when I e-mailed my agent to ask for feedback on the Chicago audition, and I've still yet to hear back.

So, I distracted myself.

I started by relaxing with my electronic devices. A bluray plus some chat with my friend, Danny, online.  It was then that I had an idea.

My room mate received some bad news last night.  And I thought I would get my bake on to try and cheer him up.  I try not to do anything half-assed when I bake.  Nothing premixed.  It's more fun that way.  Feels like you actually create something.  So, after finding a great chocolate chip cookie recipe online, and getting some advice from Danny, I headed to the market.

I got back and followed the recipe exactly.  The key to baking is precision.  When you cook there's wiggle room, when you bake, there isn't.  And my recipe produced 24 big, beautiful and delicious cookies.  I left them in my room mate's room hoping they'd brighten his day a little.

All the baking time made my gym window a little too small, so instead, I cleaned up around the house.  On another day I could have done both the gym and cleaning, but this evening a friend had scored some tickets to a show I was wanting to see.  Follies on Broadway.  So I cleaned myself and the dishes and headed downtown.

Follies was great!  And not just because it was a well thought out and performed production by my friends as well as Broadway veterans.  Because it was a big, beautiful, emotional Broadway show about people in the theatre. The dancing, the songs, and the stars all reminded me of one thing: I love the theatre.  I love the whole experience of it.  And it's what I want to do for the rest of my life.  Performing was my first love, and it will most likely be my last. 

It was good to see this show after a day that I had been discouraged about the business.  Yesterday reminded me of the hard and sometimes ugly side of the business: basically begging people to like you enough to give you a job.  Tonight reminded me of the sheer joy and passion you feel when you're doing what you've loved to do your whole life.

I'm so glad I got to see this show, and go backstage to congratulate my friends on the great job they did, and shake Bernadette Peters' hand. 

Now if only I wasn't stood up tonight, I might have faith in another type of love.  Ah well.

Netflix/Hulu+ of the night: Desperate Housewives
Non-alcoholic beverage of the night: Sleepy Time tea with honey

Day 13

Again, late.  But no drinking.

Tuesday was the day of an audition.  A good audition.  A good audition to me is one where I'm right for the show, I like the choreography, and I'm on the radar of the creative staff.  And if I happen to know and remember the choreography, all the better.

I set my alarm for 8AM to have enough time to do my morning routine of cooking breakfast while I watch something on Hulu+ on my iPad.  I may have snoozed till 8:30AM, so I had to rush a little bit, so I may have only finished 3/4 of an episode of Desperate Housewives. 

I headed out the door around 9:20AM and got downtown a little before 10AM.  It's a good thing the audition was at 11AM so after going to the wrong studio, I had time to walk to the right one.

11AM came and went.  They were running behind as the girls were first at 10AM.  We didn't get seen until around noon.  We were taught the combo in about 10 minutes and then had to perform it in groups of three for the casting director and two of the creative staff.  That was the moment I'm glad I had a little previous knowledge of the combo, because a few of the guys were a little upset that we were taught so fast.  I gotta say, I would have been too.

But I guess all was good.  I got asked to come back and sing.  And after lunch with a friend, I came back at my allotted time to sing the song I had rehearsed twice in the past week, just for this audition.  Again they were running late, and I would be too if they went too far over my 3:40PM slot; I had a therapy appointment at 4PM.  I asked to be seen sooner, and the monitor obliged.  I sang, and got a polite thank you.

That's it?

I thought I did pretty well.  Probably the most confident I could be, given that it's an area I'm not confident in at all.  I know they were rushing through, and that could be why no other feedback was given.  Or maybe they weren't looking for my type.  Or maybe they weren't looking for any immediate replacement boys that day.  Nevertheless, I was upset and it got me down.

I certainly had a lot to discuss with my therapist.

The truth is, I put a lot of weight into this audition.  It would have been perfect timing to get this caliber of job right now.  And in a show I would love to do.  The only downside would be that there's someone in the cast that I have a little drama with.  But we're both big boys, I'm sure we could be ok.  All week I had been secreting getting the job, even writing myself notes to inspire my energy to manifest the job for me.  Needless to say, I really want this one.

If there are any call backs, I'm sure they'll make them known in the next day or two.

After therapy, I went to the gym and took my friend's dance class.  It's a fun class that lets me pretend I'm a black woman for an hour.  After the class I got a headache.  Maybe it was dehydration, maybe it was frustration over the day's events, maybe it was a lack of carbs.  Whatever the reason, a headache was there and making me feel shitty.  So as much as I tried to work out, it wasn't very effective.  So I headed home, picking up some groceries for dinner along the way.

At home I made a low carb dinner of brown rice fuccili with a ground turkey in a red sauce, topped off with a high carb snack of pretzels and hummus.

To try and alleviate my headache, I gave myself a facial mask, and settled in for the night, glad that the following day I had NOTHING to wake up early for.

Netflix/Hulu+ of the night: Xena: Warrior Princess
Non-alcoholic beverage of the night: Sleepy Time tea with honey

Day 12

A little late in posting about Day 12.  Only by 24 hours.  But it's been a busy couple days.

Monday was jam packed with activities for yours truly.  To start I had a lunch date with a friend.  We chatted and caught up, and he picked up the tab.  A successful lunch indeed. 

After that, I was supposed to meet a friend who is staying with me for the week.  He however missed his bus in Philly because, as he put it, he woke up hung over next to a 21 year old of non descript ethnicity.  So I continued on with my day.

Next I was to have a voice lesson to prepare for my audition on Tuesday.  My degree is in dance, so i don't have as much training in voice.  I think I've always had a good voice, at least that's what I've been told.  But it's time to start learning how to use it properly.  Proper placement, breath control, all that stuff, so that hopefully I won't have to rely on my dancing skills for the rest of my career.  Let's face it, my knees/ankles/hips/general LEGS are gonna go eventually.  Gotta start cultivating the other talents.  Then the problem becomes getting known as more than just a dancer.  But, so far so good.  My voice lesson went well and I felt more or less prepared to kick ass at my audition. 

My friend, Daniel, finally got into town after my voice lesson, so I met up with him and handed off my keys.

After that, I went to a rehearsal for ICONS New York.  There's not need for too much rehearsal as we're a returning cast.  The only problem is, some of the people are returning from the first year.  We've done a whole other summer since then, with some new additions.  So, it's my job to catch the old alums up with the new alums.  And that task started yesterday, and like my voice, slowly but surely it's all being laid out.

Do from wake up, 9AM, to end of rehearsal, 9PM I really didn't stop moving.  The subway ride home was a welcome time of rest from carrying my heavy borough bag from place to place.

When I got home, Daniel was there and we caught up like two cackling hens as I made dinner.  Ended up staying up a little later than I had planned, and had to rush myself to bed in order to get enough rest for my audition the next day.  That's why I didn't write last night.  I know some of you may have thought that maybe I indulged in my newly filled decanters, but alas, I did not.  Just a simple mocktail, a paleo dinner, Hulu+ blazing on the flat screen and copious amounts of girl talk.

Netflix/Hulu+ of the night: South Park
Non-alcoholic beverage of the night: POM juice with club soda in a red wine glass

Day 11

So aside from cleaning and shopping for groceries to try and be healthier today, I did something that could possibly be bad for my sobriety.

I refilled my decanters.

I know, I know.  If I'm trying to walk the straight and narrow, why would I dangle the temptation in front of my face, especially in the form of Gentleman's Jack, Grey Goose, and 100% Agave Tequila poured into pretty glass Crate and Barrel decanters?

I will start off by saying that the Grey Goose is not my fault.  Number 1, I'm a Ketel One fella, and Number 2, I didn't buy it.  Last night at the Model Bartenders' gig, my fellow model bartender, former sub leaser and friend, Mark told me that before he moved out of my room in September, he put some left over Grey Goose in an empty two liter club soda bottle and left it in the refrigerator.  If I liked club soda more, I probably would have discovered this when I was still drinking. 

I checked the bottle this morning, and sure enough, the smell of top shelf wafted out of the plastic bottle.  I poured it into the empty decanter that I normally use for vodka and it filled it right to the top.  I sat it down and looked at the picture I saw.  I saw one out of three decanters filled next to the flowers and vase I swiped from the wedding reception.  The picture seemed incomplete.  Especially when I backed up and looked at the entire bar.  It seemed like a shrine to a god or goddess that was no longer worshiped or relevant.  It seemed a superfluous fixture in my spacious Fort Tryon apartment.  It just wasn't cool anymore.

I first set up that bar because it's my personal belief that every bachelor pad should have a proper bar.  It just makes sense for the single man to have an area for entertaining when he brings friends or a date over.  It's classy and classic. 

And that is why I decided to restock it.  For vanity reasons and for guests.  And so far so good.  Since I filled the decanters 9 and 1/2 hours ago, I've completely forgotten about it!  Not true, of course, but I have resided the decanters to company.  It's hospitable of me to have liquor available to my guests should they want some.  They'll have my jack, I'll have my tea, and all will be right with the world.

Netflix/Hulu+ of the night: Desperate Housewives
Non-alcoholic beverage of the night: Chamomile tea with Emergen-C

Day 10

I'm a little late in posting about my 10th day of sobriety, but it was for a good reason.

After a lame gig last Wednesday with my new semi-employers, I got my first taste of what it's really like to be a cater waiter.  I worked a wedding reception.  It was me and 9 or 10 other waiters/bartenders who took the orders, poured wine and water, and brought and took away food.

The funny thing is, serving is something I've never done before either.  I may have exaggerated a little about my skills to the people at Model Bartenders.  I didn't lie per say.  They assumed that I had experience in the service industry, and I didn't refute that. The truth is I have had experience at a restaurant.  As a host.  I stood at the front, smiled and walked people to their seats.  Honestly, with a company called Model Bartenders I never thought I'd have to do more than that.   But nope, last night was my first night as a waiter.

It's funny though.  As I was helping set up, I started imagining myself as Bree Van De Camp setting up for one of her high end parties for the social elite.  Making sure every tablecloth was centered on every table, always walking around with poise and grace with a pleasant smile on my face.  All of my gigs are turning into acting exercises.  And I gotta say, I think I pulled off the part well.  From 3PM to 12:30AM I walked and served and smiled.  And I only spilled and broke one thing!  The thing I spilled and the thing I broke were two separate things, but hey it was my first day.

And the whole time, I didn't drink.  The liquor was EVERYWHERE and so many people at my table left their wine glasses full all night, but I threw it all in the slop bucket.  I was so fascinated by the slop bucket.  It's a bucket that you pour the excess liquor in before you put the glasses back into the lugs for the sanit crew (look at all the new words I learned).  By the end of the night, it is filled with the grossest mix of all kinds of liquor and mixers and coffee that you can imagine.  I thought it would be hilarious to place "sip from the slop bucket" as a wager in a bet.  I thought I wouldn't get the chance to do that.  I was happily surprised when the DJ started playing "More Money, More Problems" during our dinner break.

The extremely gorgeous bartender who set up all the bars that night, who was a model, but not from Model Bartenders, said that he thought someone from the wedding party was actually on the mic rapping along to the song, and that it wasn't P. Diddy (or Puff Daddy as he was known when the song came out) singing on the track.  It was obvious to everyone but Matt, the EXCEEDINGLY gorgeous bartender that it was indeed Mr. Combs voice on the track, because all of us had heard it at least 275 times before.  So, since the opportunity was there, I bet the drop-dead-gorgeous bartender a sip of the slop bucket that it was P. Diddy voice, and not a drunken Puerto Rican on the live mic.

I'd like to report that Matt, the man I fantasized about last night as I fell asleep, accepted my wager, but that was way too rich for his blood.  I was so disappointed.  Not because I wanted my future husband/manstress to get meningitis, but because it would have been hilarious, and a much better end to this story.  Unless he actually did get meningitis, in which case, I would be a grieving widow right now.

All in all, it was an EXHAUSTING evening.  My feet were in such pain by the end.  Between setup, service and tear down, I must have walked the stairs at least 100 times.  My legs and back were burning by the end of the night.  All of these reasons are why I did not feel bad about indulging in the catered food leftovers for dinner and snacks.  I even had a handful of wedding cake.

And though I don't feel like making this a career option for me, I definitely have a new found respect for people in the service industry.  I've always respected my fellow actors/servers, but I have never been in their shoes.  It's not easy, and it can be down right terrible.  Luckily my table was pretty nice, and I was making a catering, not minimum wage.  For those people who do that for minimum, I would wash your feet with my hair if you need.  For those of you who don't get that reference, #1 you're not my friend anymore, #2 listen to some new Gaga and get back to me.

Netflix/Hulu+ of the night: Desperate Housewives/Xena: Warrior Princess.
Non-alcoholic beverage of the night: Cranberry juice with soda water.

Day 9

Yeah, Paleo didn't happen today either.

I think it has to do with the fact that I need to go grocery shopping.  I didn't buy the Paleo food I needed, so my laziness took over.  When push comes to shove, I usually go for what's most convenient.  Today that convenience was in the form of oatmeal in lieu of the eggs I didn't have for breakfast, and a burrito delivered right to my door for lunch.

Tomorrow should be better.  I work half the day so I won't be able to eat anything!... except the catered food.  Dammit!

My other exciting event for the day was a date.  Yes, a date.  I met this gentleman online a couple years ago and we tried to get together a few times.  It didn't work at the time because I was gainfully employed and therefore on the opposite schedule of everyone else in the world, especially a teacher.

But we stayed in touch.  And this summer, he like so many other homos, made the pilgrimage to Provincetown, MA.  We recognized each other and hung out drunkenly in an alley late one night.  The next day he came to see me naked in my show.  We went on another date while he was there for the week, and then he had to leave.  We stayed in touch again, and when I was sufficiently settled in the city, we planned to meet.

Tonight was that meeting.  We were to meet at 8PM, after he met up with some friends who were visiting from out of town.  I extended it to 8:30PM, after my attempts to Bree Van De Camp my apartment today took longer than expected.  When I got off the subway a little before 8:30PM, a text message was waiting for me asking to meet me at the bar where his friends were.  I got to Boxers, I looked through the crowd for my friend and was about to text him again when I saw him.  He proceeded to hug me strongly and tell me that he had been drinking with his friends for two hours and was 4 drinks in. 

Being the professional drinker I am, and knowing that the queens in this town don't pour NEARLY as heavy as my lesbian bartender Renee at The Post Office Cabaret, I could have had 4 drinks in me, and still had a lovely date.  This guy, however, was a light weight, which was surprising considering his breadth.  He was very apologetic through his drunkenness, and was worried I would judge him.  Honestly, if I were on liquor I probably would have just caught up with him.  But because I was sober, the novelty of his state grew a little tiresome.

But it wasn't all bad.  I got to drive his car.  We had a nice dinner at Elmo, and some good (albeit aggressive) body contact.  And we ended the night parting ways on good terms, me promising to give him another chance for a date, and him saying he would cook for me next time.

I honestly think he's a good guy, just had two conflicting nights planned for the same night.  Get drunk with your buddies vs. make good impression on a date.  If I were him, I would have rescheduled with me and just partied it up with my friends, but I applaud his attempts, and expect a yummy Paleo dinner.

Netflix/Hulu+ of the night: South Park
Non-alcoholic beverage of the night: Peach iced tea crystal light

Day 8

So today I cheated.

No, not on the liquor front, but on the carb front.  I blatantly started the day with the two scrambled eggs, coffee with coconut milk, and a bowl of oatmeal with almond butter and agave nectar.  I know, I know, I said no carbs.  But I was good the rest of the day.  I had a salad before the gym, a zero carb protein shake after, and then my Breath Destroyer* this evening.  I am having a bit of honey in my tea right now, but I think that's within my boundaries.

The oatmeal was bad, but at least a good bad.  At my meeting tonight, I was surrounded by free liquor AND pretzels, but I did not indulge.  I sipped my venti sugar-free vanilla americano, and was all business, no indulgence.  Although I'm sure the venti americano wasn't good for my sleeping issues.  It's also probably the rason my house got so clean this evening.

Back to the meeting.  Tonight I met with Tom and Michael, my producers who gave me my jobs this summer, to discuss one of them transferring to a venue a little closer to home: The Snapple Center on 50th street and Broadway.  Yes, that's right kids, ICONS, our little drag show that could, is coming to the Big Apple.  I gotta say, I'm excited.  I'll be performing in probably three late-night shows on the weekends, so even when I get another Broadway gig (I'm trying the confidence thing these days) I'll be able to rush over to the Snapple Center and jump onstage behind my queens and have fun!

Maybe ICONS will be a hit, and maybe it won't.  But in the meantime, it will be fun.  And it will be an accomplishment.  Something I helped to create will be going up near Times Square.  It feels pretty good.  An ex-boyfriend of mine and I once joked that we would move back to Florida (his home state) and open a club like in The Birdcage.  He would manage and I would, star, or at least direct.  Now, it's kindof happening, minus the boyfriend and the Sunshine State.

Maybe it's the lack of booze, or the increasing opportunities, but I'm feeling very optimistic recently.  Maybe all these good turns in my life are breeding a little more confidence.  Maybe it's the oatmeal in the morning.  Things are a little more sunny these days, despite the increasingly cold weather.

*Recipe for the Breath Destroyer
-2 cans of tuna
-EVOO
-Minced garlic
-Black pepper
-Half an avocado (optional)
-Some chopped kale (optional)

Netflix/Hulu+ of the night: Desperate Housewives
Non-alcoholic drink of the night: Loose leaf passion green tea with honey

Day 7

One whole week!  Done it before, and I'll do again, but the week mark always feels like an accomplishment.

And since it's been a week, the time has come to stop substituting one dependency for another.  Tomorrow I begin my Paleo diet again.  I can't follow it to the T because I'm poor still.  So I just follow the basics.  No wheat, beans or dairy.  Usually, the hardest part is the dairy for me.  I LOVE me some cheese!  But, getting back to the number one reason I gave up liquor (VANITY) I need to stop destroying the good work I'm doing to my body with the lack of booze by chowing down on carbs.  So, the pizza I ate tonight was my last taste of crust and cheese for a while.

My first model bartender gig tonight went pretty well.  I met up with my fellow model bartenders at a car rental place on 37th street.  The event was to be a Benjamin Moore presentation at a West Elm in Paramus.  There were four of us in the van, an Italian, a Russian, a black guy and me.  We were meeting another at the venue.  The five of us got there, waited around for an hour and a half, set up glasses on a table, and waited for the 30-50 people to arrive.

It was weird.  I've never waited or tended bar, or catered or anything.  And I was definitely the only one out of these attractive men who didn't list "model" as a career objective on their resume (do models have resumes?) Not to mention, from what I could tell, I was the only gay one.  I felt like the odd man out.  Actually that's not true, I kinda felt like I was Mariska Hargitay as Detective Benson going undercover to infiltrate a dangerous serial rapist connected to this Model Batenders company.  I fit in like a glove but still observed the different personalities and asked probing questions.  Well, maybe my questions weren't probing, but being the only gay and the only performer, I played the entertainer to pass the boring uneventful hours.

At the end of the night, I served food then ate some leftovers, served wine, but didn't drink it, and made $20/hour.  All in all, not a bad night.

Here it goes.  Cold turkey.  No carbs.

Netflix/Hulu+ of the night: Desperate Housewives
Non-alcoholic drink of the night: Green tea with honey

Day 6

I had a very interesting day today.

It started out with a phone call from Model Bartenders confirming my gig for tomorrow, while I was preparing for my audition today.

Then I got a text from my old friend Mike.  He asked me if I was going to the 10 year reunion (OY!) I replied I wasn't going and he said he was.  He told me he'd take pictures.

Mike was one of the reasons I gave up liquor this past Spring.  He fell into some trouble with the drink in the recent past.  So much that he went to jail for a DWI.  He lost his job.  His wife left him, and took the kids.  Even that didn't stop him from drinking.  But it sure made me take a look at myself. 

I asked him if he was sober now.  He said he was.  I told him I was.  And we started talking about how tough it is, but ultimately really good for you.  He's at least a month ahead of me in sobriety, and I'm so glad to hear it, cause honestly, with all his problems, he has quite the excuse to fall in the bottle.  His father drank and was always bouncing from job to job, has been through at least two marriages, and from what I can tell still drinks. Mike was just following his father's example, and for awhile didn't see any way how to NOT follow him.  He figured he would just become his father, and there was no way out. 

That always hurt me so much because when we were young, he was someone I looked up to.  He's a brilliant mechanic, and loves to work with cars.  He and his father taught me how to change a tire.  And he would talk to no end about cars.  Me being me, I couldn't listen to car talk all day long, so eventually zoned out, but it was clear he loves it.  I really hope he finds that love again and uses it to make a career because I think he could be brilliant at it.

I still look up to Mike.  If he can face his addiction, I can certainly cut back for as long as it takes to gain some perspective.

I was glad to hear from Mike.  And I was also glad that this morning I found an in-plan gay psychologist with a dancer for his partner.  Could there be anyone more suited to hear and help me deal with my issues?  I had my first session with him today.  I'm going again next week.

Progress.

Week mark tomorrow.

Netflix/Hulu+ of the night: Law and Order: Special Victim's Unit
Non-alcoholic drink of the night: Peach Iced Tea Crystal Light

Day 5

One more day down.  And a few things to report.

First, I posted on here last night that I was bored.  Bored with nothing to do.  Then low and behold, today I get a call from the freelance catering service I signed up for the other day: Model Bartenders.  I now have a possible gig on Wednesday from 3-8 doing two things I've never done before, model and tend bar.

Second, after going to the gym, and seeing a bunch of actual models working out, and then coming home, and seeing the status updates of good looking facebook friends and their careers and families, I REALLY wanted a bottle of wine.  But the good news is, I finally admitted one of my drinking triggers:  INSECURITY!

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE when my friends are successful, and even when they're beautiful.  But there's the young, fat, unpopular kid in me that always sees those successes and that beauty as something I will never have.  And I know, I look in the mirror these days and can admit that I'm an attractive guy, and I've been on frickin' BROADWAY for crying out loud!  But when the career is in a valley, or by body is a little out of whack, that kid starts to try to pull me down again.  And when he gets too loud, I usually try to silence him with the sauce.

So how do I silence him without it?  You do the harder thing.  You talk yourself down from the tree.  You remind yourself that you are good looking and you were on frickin' Broadway.  And if you did it once, you can do it again.  It's just gonna take some work.  Some of that work will be taking jobs that aren't as glamorous to pay the rent.  Some of it will be taking classes.  And some of that work is staying away from the bottle for a little bit.  But most of it will be believing.  It's hard to believe in yourself when the fat kid is bringing you down.  But it's the only thing that will bring you back up.

Netflix/Hulu+ of the night: Desperate Housewives
Non-alcoholic drink of the night: Loose-leaf passion green tea with honey

Day 4

Day four done.

I'm starting to notice that when you're broke, unemployed, and not drinking, your days tend to consist of the same things:  Staying in, watching TV and eating bad food.  In my case I throw a gym in there 4-6 days a week too.  But I gotta say, I'm getting bored.  At least when I was drinking the menial things I did at home seemed fun, or maybe the liquor just numbed the boringness of it all.

Either way, I'm bored.

That's why today, while doing the staying in, watching TV and eating bad food routine, I changed it up a little.  I went onto the website of an acting studio I belong to, and signed up for a class!  Sure it was $525 for a two-day 9 hour/day class, but I need to train in my craft, especially in areas I have to work on.  I've never really taken a good acting class, and never only one on-camera acting class.  Hopefully this class will give me the training I need to start going into on-camera calls, and give my agents the confidence to SEND ME ON SOME ALREADY! 

Earlier today, I dropped off my resume at a new country western bar in Hell's Kitchen called Flaming Saddles.  I would have to serve drinks and most likely dance on a bar for tips.  I would be find with this except I know that people I know will probably come to the bar.  People I've worked with in the past, and people who are still working in the business... on Broadway. 

I mean, work is work, and a girl's gotta eat, but that's gonna be a big hit to my pride.  I'm still hoping I'll snatch a legit job before I'm on the regular schedule at Flaming Saddles, but in the mean time, I just need an inflow of money to support this nasty acting class habit of mine.

As I was walking away from Flaming Saddles, I was thinking about the idea of image.  I know ideally what other people think about you isn't supposed to matter, but let's face it, it does.  I think one of the reasons I started to double think my drinking was when almost everyone I know had a certain idea about me.

One of my friends wanted to get back in touch after we were both away for the summer.  He's a fellow PS3 gamer and I told him we could hang out and he could tutor me on the system.  And he responded by saying, "Or we could go out drinking and you could tutor me in that!"  Funny and glib, and nothing necessarily hurtful.  But when coupled with many other of my friends saying similar things, it starts to not sound so funny, and it makes you take a second look.

So I think I'm gonna add that to my reasons I stopped drinking for awhile.

5. IMAGE
I don't want to be known as a drunk, or a functioning alcoholic, or even someone who drinks a lot.  I don't want other people thinking those things about me, and I don't want to think those things about myself.  I've always stood by the old adage "I cannot control how I am perceived, I can only control how I am presented."  So if I don't present myself as a drunk, I won't be perceived as one.  And there are so many things in this world that people can label you as without even talking to you first, that there's no reason to give any asshole out there any more ammunition.

Netflix/Hulu+ of the night: South Park (again)
Non-alcoholic beverage of the night: Jasmine green tea with honey

Day 3

Day 3, done.

Still could use a drink. Still over indulged in food. I even had a pumpkin cream cheese muffin from Starbucks today! Who am I? But, like I said in day two, I'm letting myself eat a little more poorly just until my cravings go down a bit for booze. It's usually easier after the first week. So until then, PRETZEL CHIPS!

This morning began with me trying to get out of bed at 11:30AM. Now this isn't really unusual for me. When I went out, I'd be out late then come home and watch something and crawl into bed around 4AM. Now that I'm not going out, you'd think I'd just go to bed earlier. I'm not for two reasons: 1. When you're on a sleeping schedule like that, it's hard to break it. 2. I have no downer at night. Remember in Day 2 when I mentioned that I usually have coffee in the morning and a drink at night? Well, now I have my upper in the morning, but nothing at night. So, I could basically stay up till dawn if I wanted to most of the time. But as I don't yet have a job that will allow me to do that, I have to start getting regular sleep.

I've tried sleepy time tea, and it works a little bit, but it also makes me have to get up and pee at night. So following the advice of friends, I'm taking melatonin when it's time to sleep. And sure enough, 10mg of melatonin puts me to sleep within a half an hour. The only bad side is, I wake up feeling groggy and feeling a little drugged. Almost like a hangover.

Dammit! I thought one of the benefits of not using liquor as a sleep inducer was not having to deal with the aftermath the next day. Turns out taking natural supplements can do that too! Oy!

After climbing out from under my melatonin-head this morning with the help of my old friend Juan Valdez, I started off my day by catching up on the new Sarah Michelle Gellar vehicle Ringer. Being of the Buffy fan that I am, I was anxious to see SMG in a role that wasn't the slayer. The premise is sort of worn territory of mistaken identity with identical twins played by the same actress. I mean I think EVERY soap opera ever has done this. I know that Days of Our Lives had one actress play triplets (one being a man) as well as her regular character who happened to look like the triplets. So far though, it's exciting enough for me to stick around (there was just a MURDER!) But I gotta wonder where they're gonna go with this. The twins are gonna have to meet up again soon. One twin can't just go on playing the other. And if you just kill off one of the twins, you've jumped the shark, and there's no more anticipation. Guess I'll have to stay tuned.

After SMG and a little SVU I decided to do something at least a little productive today. I decided to get the materials to make my tiara for my Halloween costume, and to go to the gym. Every year for Halloween I try to top myself. Not like that, sickos. Usually I decide what I want to do about 6 months before Halloween, then I start planning. This year, I knew on my last birthday. On December 2nd I saw Black Swan. I mean, it's the clear choice for me. Dance, and an amazing costume, and fierce makeup. Done and done. Granted, everyone had this idea, and I'm sure I'll be one of many Black Swans this year. But because of my Rocky Horror background, I go for screen accuracy. I'm not just slapping on a leotard and tutu and a feather in my hair. Nope, I've bought and updated a corset, applied many feather appliques, sewn and glued on rhinestones and constructed a screen accurate tiara. It was hard to do on an unemployed budget (thank God for my tax refund and parents).

Once I got what I needed for my costume, I headed off to Golds. I worked some major and minor muscle groups and I gotta admit that I felt like I had some more energy during my workout. It could have been the double shot of espresso, but since I've often drank a magnum red bull before a workout and still yawned during it, I imagine it could be the lack of booze over the past couple of days. I mean, it's still early on so who knows. All I know is it felt good.

Well, it's now 3AM into day four. I guess I'll need a melatonin again tonight. Maybe I'll take just a half.

Netflix/Hulu+ of the night: South Park
Non-alcoholic beverage of the night: Pomegranate juice and club soda in a red wine glass

Day 2

So it's the end of day two and I'm still without booze. Yippee!

So far, so good. There have been no moments of epiphany where I feel so much better that I never want to touch the sauce again. I definitely want a glass of wine right now. It's part of my routine. Coffee in the morning; a drink (or 12) at night. Uppers and downers. Just like Judy.

That being said, today I again made the decision not to drink.

I did however make the decision to eat.

This is something that happens when I go off liquor. Part of the fun of drinking is it's an indulgence. A reward at the end of the day. A celebration. When I take that away, my mind searches for something else to use as a release. Some people use sex. I use carbs. I imagine it's the same for smokers.

Last night after the gym, I knew I wouldn't be drinking, so I got hungry. I decided that I wanted some penne with pesto and chicken. So I bought some organic whole wheat penne, made all 1 lb of it, mixed in some basil pesto and threw in the two breasts of chicken I had cooked two nights previous. To the lay person this probably sounds perfectly healthy. To those of us who see carbs as the devil, I just accepted him completely and wholly into my body... and loved every inch.

Today I indulged further at breakfast with oatmeal with almond butter and blueberries, the rest of the penne for lunch, General Tso's chicken with brown rice and a large wanton soup.

I'm letting myself "replace the indulgence" for a little while longer with the justification that I can't deprive myself of everything at the same time! I want to lay off coffee too, but I think no liquor, no carbs and no coffee might put me into shock. The DTs are gonna be bad enough.

While I wasn't eating, it was a almost productive today. With my tax return now deposited into my account, I could finally afford the ultimate accessory in interior design: curtains. I headed on down to Bed Bath and Beyond and found some stylish yet affordable green curtains and the hardware to put them up.

After they were up, I didn't feel like heading back downtown, so I did a home workout with a jump rope, an ab wheel, a pull-up bar and some perfect push-ups. You know, that's almost as good as a full gym.

And in the midst of all that, I receive a phone call from the agents with whom I'm freelancing with an audition for a Lebanese commercial this Tuesday. So far next week I have that one, and one on Wednesday for a play in Brooklyn that pays a stipend of $450 for rehearsals and show. Every thing's coming up Millhouse!

It's now past midnight Day 2 is officially over, and Nomi is waiting for her food. See you after day 3.

Netflix/Hulu+ of the night: Let's Make Love/New York, I Love You
Non-alcoholic beverage of choice today: Loose-leaf passion green tea with honey.

Day 1

It seems I've come to a crossroads of sorts. If by crossroads you mean waking up hungover, tired and unproductive everyday. I guess that's just one road. Which brings me to where I am now. I've been here before, but with any luck, it will be the last time.

Going off the bottle! No more booze! No more hangovers! Newer more productive me! Somebody bring me some ham!

When I've done this before, I have been successful, but it was really hard. And with no one to be accountable to besides myself, I would often throw the towel in and return to my baser instincts and indulge. After all, I deserve don't I? My days are filled with Hulu+ watching, the gym and taking care of my cat! I deserve a little relaxation!

Oy.

So this time I decided to start this secret blog documenting all the awesome things I do with my sobriety! So far it's been Hulu+ watching, the gym and taking care of my cat. Did I mention I'm unemployed?

Since nothing monumental has happened yet, I think it would be helpful to state, in order of importance, the reasons I'm giving up alcohol.

1. VANITY
Drinking dehydrates you and ages you. It makes your skin look bad, and your eyes bloodshot. Not to mention, drinking on a regular basis lowers your metabolism and causes weight gain. The last time I went off booze I dropped 7 pounds! When you stop drinking, the first results you see are physical. So it's a great motivator.

I also list this as number one, because I'm honest with myself. If I could drink like a fish and it would magically never show up on my body or face, I would. But alas, I'm not one who was blessed with the metabolism of a 15 year old, not even when I was 15. So I have to stick to the straight and narrow in order to be my best physical self.

2. CAREER
Ties in with number one, but it's a little different. I'm one of those actor/dancer/singer guys who relies on their appearance as part of their livelihood. I'm in a business where first impressions are vital, and you can get labeled as "fat" "tired" or "untalented" very easily, and sometimes based on one interaction.

Most everyone in this business wants the same job. You go into an audition with 50+ guys who are all after one single spot in a show. You HAVE to be at the top of your game at all times, and ready to show it at a moment's notice. If you aren't there's probably someone who is younger, better looking, more talented and hungrier waiting around the corner. And in this economy, you can't afford to risk that.

Drinking makes me lazy. It's hard to drag yourself to class when you're hungover. Not to mention liquor can ravage your voice. Have you ever woken up hungover and your voice is 3 octaves lower? What if you had to sing at an audition with that voice?

Some people can drink a lot, and still be amazing onstage and in the audition room. I'm not that person. I need to be more focused.

3. HEALTH
This summer I was working at a cabaret theatre in Provincetown, Massachusetts. There was a bar in that theatre. I didn't have to pay for drinks. I would usually have one before the late show, sometimes one during, and at least two after. Basically 20-30 drinks per week... for the whole summer. I basically drank enough for me and my whole family for about a year.

Drinking is terrible for your general health. It makes you more susceptible to illness, and it ravages your internal organs, especially the liver. After this summer, mine is probably black as sin. I'm currently taking a supplement to combat this, but who knows how much damage is already done? Until I know for sure, I'm assuming the worst and hoping for the best.

4. MONEY
When I drink, I enjoy top shelf. Johnnie Walker Black, Ketel One, etc. Top shelf drinks in both PTown and New York City, can sometimes cost upwards of $10 a pop. Times that by 4 or 5, and that's an expensive night for someone in my situation (see "unemployed" above.)

I list this as last because, I also can have a night with a cheap bottle of Yellow Tail wine and be perfectly happy. Not to mention I know bartenders around the city who usually give me a few free drinks when I go out, and I can usually score one from an interested third party. I can keep my drinking budget inside my actual budget no matter what. So the other reasons listed above hold more weight in my decision to stop drinking.

So, there they are. The top 4 reasons why alcohol wont be in my life for awhile, and hopefully, never on the same level it's been in the past. I'm not naive enough to tell myself that I'm never gonna drink again. At the end of the day, I believe in social drinking, or having a glass of wine at the end of the day. I DO NOT believe in drinking until I'm drunk every night, or finishing a bottle of wine in one sitting. And until I can have enough distance from the sauce to be able to recognize and control the difference between those two, I just need to just lay off it completely.

So day 1 is done. See you after day 2.